TimeWaster

I feel like it is someone - not mine - but someone's duty to catalogue every single commercial, movie trailer, and non-Katrina & the Waves related appearance of the song "Walkin' On Sunshine".  Is this thing public domain now, is that why I'm hearing it everywhere?

I demand this list be published, as well as the dollar amount Katrina and her Waves made per appearance.

It's also probably the biggest letdown between and video.  If you ever see the video, it's totally not what you'd expect from that song.  

Dogs and Plasma

I've always heard that dogs can't see what's on television.  That they can tell maybe there's some lights or some glowing from a TV set, but other than that, they can't actually make out what's on it.

But I think it's time to re-evaluate this in light of plasma screen TV's.  The majority of my day is spent on my couch, with the TV on, and my dog at my side.  And every single time there's another dog on the TV screen, my dog goes nuts.

And it's hysterical.

He runs over to the screen, growls at it, jumps up and stands along the TV stand and barks like crazy.  And when the dogs go away, he races around the house looking for where the dogs went.  

The other great thing now is that he's recognized sounds from ads featuring dogs.  So even if he's not around and there's an ad with a dog on TV, he'll start growling and running in from out of the room.  

We Can Put A Man On The Moon...

With iPods, iPhones, wireless internet, electric cars, and tons of other cool technological advancements I can't afford, why is it that umbrella technology hasn't changed in 9,000 years?

Here's my problems - umbrellas don't work.  Well, okay - they do work in keeping my head dry.  But I've got 90% more body to consider.  And I also have hoods and hats and old newspapers that can do the same thing, and those aren't completely ungainly to carry around and splatter water all over the inside of my car or drip all over the inside of my house.

Bottom line America - we need to stop worry about rising gas prices and start worrying about how we can keep me dry the 4 days out of the year it rains in Los Angeles.

I'm Probably Not Covering Any New Ground Here...

But I just heard about American Airlines instituting a $15 a bag policy for people who fly on American.  The spokesperson said the reason is because of high fuel prices - the high cost of fuel is going to cost them an extra $3 million per year.

Yet in the same exact report, the American spokesperson mentioned that this $15 extra charge is expected to raise hundreds of millions of dollars for the airline.

So even if they only charged us, say, $7.50 per bag, they'd still make 10 times what it's going to cost them with the extra fuel costs. 

I guess we should be thankful they're being upfront with us?

What Choo Talkin' Bout, Oscar?

There are few things in life better than the "Diff'rent Strokes" reruns on BET from noon to one.

A lot of the fun of watching these episodes is remembering what was going through my head when I first saw these shows when they originally aired. For instance, the episode that's on right now - Mr. Drummond donated $100,000 to a local charity. So what does he get in return for his good deed? A phone call from a sniper across the street from his penthouse apartment, claiming he'll shoot one of the Drummond clan if he doesn't pay some sort of extortion fee.

I still remember watching this as a kid and thinking "Holy shit these guys are fucked." Yeah, I wasn't the brightest kid.

Something that I don't feel like has been properly addressed with regards to Diff'rent Strokes is - what was Mr. Drummond doing to all his house keepers!?! I mean, Arnold and Willis were the kids of his long time house keeper until she died (which is why he brought them in to live with them). Then he had Mrs. Garrett, who obviously bolted to run some all-girl's school and later Edna's Edibles.

Then there was Adalaide, the old cute sassy housekeeper. And with no explanation, she was gone and Pearl showed up.

Just what the hell was Mr. Drummond doing to all his housekeepers? I like to imagine a Rob Lowe situation going on here.

But my favorite has to be the episode that aired before this one. An episode I fondly recall, and occasionally - when the moment presents itself - still use a line from. It's an episode where Mr. Drummond's Swedish cousin comes to town with her son. In true 80's sitcom fashion, the Swedish cousin was played by Conrad Bain in drag, and the son was played by Dano Plato (also in drag as a guy).

Two great revelations about this episode -

1) Not even the canned laughter or studio audience thought the line I've been using for 20 odd years was really that funny. Consider that joke dropped from the repertoire.

and, more surprisingly:

2) The episode, with the lamest plotline in history, was written by Paul Haggis. Yes, the 2 time Academy Award winning writer of "Million Dollar Baby" and "Crash".

I guess the lesson here is - never give up.

That Didn't Come Out Right

Listening to Doug Collins call game 2 of the Lakers-Jazz series. I know these guys are just talking off the top of their heads, but as Derek Fisher hits a big 3 pointer, Doug Collins says "Derek Fisher! Wow, how much fun would it be to play on a team with that guy? He is just all about winning!"

Uh...yeah, that doesn't sound like too much fun.

Amazing

Did anyone else notice that Thom Yorke....

Is really just a sleepy Clay Aiken???

I Know It When I See It

Not quite sure what the exact definition of "irony" is, and I'm way too lazy to look it up right now. But I have a feeling this falls under the category of "ironic" -

There is an organization called the "Gerontology Research Group" that studies "extreme ages". Basically, people that live to be over 110 years old. Ironic part?

It's based out of Inglewood, California.

That's like having a company that studies igloos base themselves in the Mojave Desert.

Never A Good Sign

When you go to the doctor's, and he walks in, takes a look at you, takes a look at your chart and says "Okay, so - you are 44 years old..."

And you have to correct him and say "Uh, I'm actually 34."

Ouch.

Black Widows

There's this story in the news around these here parts about two old women who are facing life in jail for pulling life insurance policy scams. From my understanding, these women found homeless guys, took them in, took out huge life insurance policies on them, and then staged hit and run accidents to kill them and collect the life insurance money.

This leads me to 2 questions -

1) My older post "Out Crazying the Crazies", did I inadvertently step in the middle of this plot???

but, more importantly:

2) How the hell did this get past the planning stage???? No one said "This will never work." No one said "This is a little too obvious." No one said "Hey, maybe we should use NON-HOMELESS PEOPLE TO REDUCE THE SUSPICIOUSNESS OF THIS ENTERPRISE!?!"

And really - when just one of these crazy old bats takes out a huge life insurance policy on just ONE homeless guy that she just freakin' met, how does no one jump to the most obvious conclusion? And yet two old women did this, apparently quite a few times!

So here's what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna go down to Hollywood Toys & Costumes and buy the scariest werewolf costume I can find. Then I'm going to go to the nearest amusement park and I'm going to run around and growl at people. Then the next morning I'm going to show up at the owner's office and offer to buy the place on the cheap.

Then all I have to worry about are some meddling kids and their dog.