Not quite sure what the exact definition of "irony" is, and I'm way too lazy to look it up right now. But I have a feeling this falls under the category of "ironic" -
There is an organization called the "Gerontology Research Group" that studies "extreme ages". Basically, people that live to be over 110 years old. Ironic part?
It's based out of Inglewood, California.
That's like having a company that studies igloos base themselves in the Mojave Desert.
When you go to the doctor's, and he walks in, takes a look at you, takes a look at your chart and says "Okay, so - you are 44 years old..."
And you have to correct him and say "Uh, I'm actually 34."
Ouch.
There's this story in the news around these here parts about two old women who are facing life in jail for pulling life insurance policy scams. From my understanding, these women found homeless guys, took them in, took out huge life insurance policies on them, and then staged hit and run accidents to kill them and collect the life insurance money.
This leads me to 2 questions -
1) My older post "Out Crazying the Crazies", did I inadvertently step in the middle of this plot???
but, more importantly:
2) How the hell did this get past the planning stage???? No one said "This will never work." No one said "This is a little too obvious." No one said "Hey, maybe we should use NON-HOMELESS PEOPLE TO REDUCE THE SUSPICIOUSNESS OF THIS ENTERPRISE!?!"
And really - when just one of these crazy old bats takes out a huge life insurance policy on just ONE homeless guy that she just freakin' met, how does no one jump to the most obvious conclusion? And yet two old women did this, apparently quite a few times!
So here's what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna go down to Hollywood Toys & Costumes and buy the scariest werewolf costume I can find. Then I'm going to go to the nearest amusement park and I'm going to run around and growl at people. Then the next morning I'm going to show up at the owner's office and offer to buy the place on the cheap.
Then all I have to worry about are some meddling kids and their dog.
It's glaringly obvious to me that I need to get into shape. But before I can do that, I need to pick the absolute perfect workout mix to get me in the mood for working out.
So, in the tradition of those Celebrity Playlists on iTunes, I'm sharing with you my still incomplete mix I am going to listen to as I work out. You may notice that many, if not all, of these songs are from movies. What can I say - I'm lame like that.
1) "Eye Of The Tiger" - Survivor: This has to go first. Makes me feel like I can get on that treadmill for 30-40 minutes, lift massive barbells, or beat up black guys with mowhawks.
2) "Live To Win" - Paul Stanley: This is actually not from any movie, but was on the Warcraft episode of "South Park". Although I had this on my iPod long before "South Park" made it cool, this song is actually fairly recent but sounds like it should be over the credits of "Iron Eagle 2" or "Firefox 4" or some equally crappy anti-commie movie. It would probably star C. Thomas Howell. Maybe instead of working out, I'll make that movie.
3) "Heat of the Moment" - Asia: A song that's been used in a billion movies, but I don't think ever in a training sequence or anything. Although when doing something mindless like working out, this is the perfect four minute distraction to try and remember every movie I've heard this song in.
4) "Mind Over Matter" - E.G. Daily: A quintessential 80's song that I can never get enough of. It was used in "Summer School" over the scene at the end where the kids are taking the final exam. The lyrics are amazing - "We're doing what can't be done/There's a battle that can't be won/We never let dreams die young!"
5) "Burning Heart" - Survivor: Song 2 out of 3 from Rocky movies. And why not? This one's a grittier sound from the boys of Survivor, plus it really REALLY spells out the anti-commie hatred. My Russian neighbors better turn tail and run when they see me on the elliptical, headband on, face paint smudged with sweat. Amazing sample lyric - "There's a quest for answers and a quench of the thirst/In the darkest night RISING LIKE A SPIDER..." I swear to God I have no idea what that means, but it's followed with the chorus, and then - "In the warrior's code, there's no surrender!" Jesus, I'm not sure, but this song must've been written by vikings.
6) "Hearts On Fire" - John Cafferty: Song 3 of 3 from Rocky movies. This song has the greatest opening eight seconds of any song on the planet. Unfortunately, right at the 9 second mark, all fucking hell breaks loose and the song turns into the perfect shit storm of 80's synthesized cheese. You can almost hear Dirk Diggler and Chest Rockwell rubbing John Cafferty's shoulders in the recording booth saying "I think the vocals are taking away from the synthesizers. Can we bring those up? Oh, and add can you add in some background music from the video game Castlevania?" This song pumps you up because you want it to get back to the greatness of those opening 8 seconds And guess what? Around the 2 minute mark, it does!
And then at 2:18, everything goes back downhill.
7) "Hot Love" - Twisted Sister: This is the point in working out where I'm running out of juice and I need to slow things down. What a better way than with the dulcet tones of Dee Snyder? I have no idea if this song was ever used in a TV show or movie, but again, it feels like the perfect end credits song for some T&A romp that would've starred that guy who played Nick on "Family Ties". Maybe he would've had some super power that took down those bastards at Beta House.
8) "I Still Believe" - Tim Cappello: From "The Lost Boys". The song starts out slow, lulling you into a false sense of security. But then, when you least expect it, Tim Cappello blasts out with - "I've been in a cave/For 40 days/Only a spark/To light my way. I wanna give out/Wanna give in/This is our crime - this is our sin!"
How can you quit on a guy like that? He's been in some kinda creep-cave for over a month? And I can't keep my fat ass on the treadmill? I make Tim Cappello sick. He is coming over here and he's gonna punch his fist through my chest. There's honestly not one line in this song that won't make you feel like you're a total wuss.
That playlist is a little over 38 minutes, which is a pretty good workout time. Now phase 2 - actually getting up off the couch and doing this.
These last couple weeks have been insane for me. Insane. The type of crazy-insane that means I slept in all weekend, didn't go out either Friday or Saturday, and I'm still exhausted.
And now this.
I was glancing over the news stories on IMDB.com, and read the headline:
"Ledger's Doctors Cleared Olsen Twins To Write Fashion Book".
What the hell? First off, if the Olsen twins want to write a book on fashion, why do Heath Ledger's doctors have the final word on this? Is their book about what Heath was wearing when he passed away? Wouldn't Heath's lawyers have more to say about this? What kind of ghouls are these Olsen twins that they would write a book about what Heath Ledger was wearing when he died? And is that enough to fill a book? Is this a book about what famous people wore when they died before their time?
And then I realized - those are two separate headlines. The doctors were cleared, AND the Olsen Twins are writing a book on fashion. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other.
Yes, I am seriously overworked. And kind of a dope.
Some people I know like to laugh at the fact that every year, I enjoy watching the Oscars. But case in point on why I like the show - how else do you find out who the new Hollywood power couples are?
And if you're thinking I'm gonna mention that Diablo Cody was sitting with Edgar Wright, well, you're wrong. I saw them at "Cloverfield" over a month ago. No, I'm talking about Hollywood's most provacative power couple:
Dixie Carter and Hal Holbrook. Who knew? I guess, technically, anyone that attended their wedding in 1984 or knows them personally knew. But I didn't.
Photographs have been taken of me recently. Not naughty pictures, not candid pictures, not running a red light traffic camera photos. Regular old ordinary pictures that make me realize I need to lose a lot of weight - and fast.
So after dinner tonight I decide to hit Yogurt Zone for some super low fat, low calorie, no guilt frozen yogurt. Afterall, isn't that the reason for going to a place that sells frozen yogurt? Low fat? Low calorie? Semi-good for you? Because if that's the case, I don't think anyone told the woman in line in front of me.
First off, she orders the largest size they have. This sucker is HUGE. It's practically a full-on ice cream cake without the cake. Fortunately Yogurt Zone sells toppings with the yogurt.
First the woman orders Butterfinger bits on the yogurt. Okay, I think, that's fine. I've been known to once in a while order candy on my yogurt. I will begrudge no man or woman that. However, she takes it to the next level by yelling at the 15 year old kid behind the counter - "No! I want the big chunks! Don't give me the little pieces, I want the big pieces!" Yikes. A bit much, but whatever. The lady wants her money's worth.
Then she gets her big chunks of Butterfinger and next asks for another topping - Snickers pieces. And yes, she did ask again for the big chunks.
Okay, so to recap - she orders a pony keg's worth of frozen yogurt, topped with giant chunks of Snickers and Butterfingers. But she's not done. In order to balance out the junk food/health food quotient, she next asks for blueberries. This thing is just dripping with toppings. Snickers, Butterfingers, and now blueberries.
And she's still not done.
The woman next asks for double - DOUBLE - marshmallow topping. Double. And at this point I think I was witness to a Yogurt Zone first - a large yogurt could not handle any more toppings. The fifteen year old kids working the counter were completely flummoxed. This was a crisis - they literally could not figure out how to pack more crap on!
Finally, they packed two small containers filled with marshmallows and rang her up. And watching this was just enough to turn me off to eating dessert for the rest of my life.
But at the end of the day, my question to this woman is - why not just go to Coldstone or Baskin Robbins and just go all out? Are you really "dieting" anymore with nine Snickers bars, five Butterfingers, and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's left testicle smashed in there? Just doesn't make sense.
So I'm watching the news tonight, and there's a big story on how certain Los Angeles area hospitals continually fail inspections on their mammogram equipment. Pretty serious stuff - they're interviewing women who have had mammograms at these hospitals, and they're in tears talking about how worried they are now that their tests could be faulty.
And during the story, there's an interview with the doctor who is the head of the committee that inspects all the mammogram equipment. The interview takes place in his office, and he's sitting in front of his bookshelf. And what's the one book prominently displayed behind his head?
Hollywood Animal by Joe Eszterhas.
This is the guy that's in charge of this investigation? Really? And no one thought to move the book - which has a bright pink spine, drawing your eye to it no matter how hard you try to look away?
This is what we in the legal profession refer to as "discrediting the witness."
**Please note I'm neither a lawyer nor actually in the legal profession, but I have paid thousands of dollars to a lawyer over the last 7 years.
I think I've done the impossible. If you read the heading, you can already guess what that is. If you're too lazy, then I'll type it again - I have out-crazied a crazy person!
Impossible you say? Well sir or madam, here's how it all went down:
I'm standing at the crosswalk, waiting to cross Ventura Blvd and standing next to me is your garden variety crazy homeless person. Imagine every crazy, grizzled prospector you've ever seen in a Bugs Bunny cartoon - the type with big bushy beards, toothless grins, and stinky filth dripping off of them.
So, just as the light's just about to turn red and allow us to cross, a woman in her BMW is charging towards the light. She's just far enough away from the light to not be able to run it, yet she doesn't seem to be slowing down. So as the light turns red and we get the little white walk guy, I hesitate on the curb because this woman still has the car gunned. My bushy amigo, however, isn't so observant.
Right as he steps in the crosswalk, the woman slams on her breaks and just barely avoids slamming into the homeless guy. I have to think that he did this on purpose - if you've literally got nothing to lose and you see a BMW charging down the street, I imagine it's pretty tempting to test out the flexibility of the car's bumper.
But anywho, the woman misses hitting the guy and I step into the street. And as I'm about half a footstep away from her, she floors it and pulls right through the red light. I was pissed. I spun around and screamed "SLOW DOWN!!!"
And that's when the crazy homeless guy turned to me and, very calmly, he said - "Hey man, it's okay. What's wrong?"
It's at this point I made a split second decision - I didn't want this guy bugging me for money or talking to me much longer. So i just started mumbling angrily. Not saying any real words, I just waved my hands around and literally said things like "Garble mudge moo chew - aaaaargghh!!!"
And it's then that I saw the look in the crazy guy's eyes. He had no idea what the hell I was doing, and he started walking away from me. Slowly. Carefully. Scared.
Now, there was one slight problem with my decision to out-crazy the crazy person. Or, technically, there were five problems with my decision - the five other people on the street walking about three feet away from my lunatic outburst. These people saw me coming, and picked up the pace, briskly distancing themselves from me and ducking into the restaurant they were headed to for lunch.
Unfortunately, it was the same restaurant I risked life and limb to cross the street for.
Ten seconds after they enter, the door opens again, and this time it's me walking in. And the five people all turned around and left.
Which is fine with me, because I really hate waiting in lines.
There's a new name in terror, and it's Fantastic Sam's.
It starts off with a basic enough idea. A woman walks in to a Fantasic Sam's - I've been referring to her as "Jennifer". So Jennifer needs a new 'do because Jen's got a job interview in a couple days. Simple premise, one we can all relate to. Hell, some of us might be going through the same transitional period in our lives as Jen. She's the every-woman.
Anyhow, Jennifer asks for a haircut, and all the barber chairs spin around revealing - FIVE CLONES OF JENNIFER, all with different hair styles!
Jennifer carefully inspects her clones and stops on one who's hair she likes. As Jenny says something along the lines of "that's a good look," that particular clone gets up and starts out! And as she's leaving, in what I consider a fit of desperation, Jennifer calls after her clone and says something along the lines of "Will you be ready for the interview?" Without missing a step, Jen-Clone smirks, doesn't look back, and snarls something sinister like "That job is MINE!"
The ad ends with Jennifer stranded in this clone factory, with Jen-Clone out in the real world assuming Jennifer's identity, about to fuck all sorts of shit up!
And you know the clone makers at Fantastic Sam's are going to immediately kill Jennifer, because come on - they don't want her talking! And believe me, death is probably her best option at this point. Think about it - when was the last time you had a hair cut, then changed it, and then months later thought "Nah, I liked that boring old haircut just fine!" There's no call for the original Jennifer anymore. She's probably gonna be locked away in some sort of holding cell, forced to subside off of rat's meat and her own urine.
This ad is the perfect, 30 second "Twilight Zone" that never aired.
